Politicians In The Wild – The Abbott

Today’s feature will look at the species known as The Abbott (Antonius Bbatis). The Abbott is a member of the Stunted Redneck genus, of the Liberal family.

The Abbott is an introduced species, having been brought to Australia in the 1960s from London, UK. The Stunted Redneck refuses to be domesticated, as they see that as a challenge to their masculinity, and instead, the Abbott prefers to run feral.

Related to a Liberal sub-species known as the Xenophobic Aspirational, who are known to roam the Western Suburbs of Sydney, who are known by their very distinctive bark “more middle-class welfare for me, me, me!”.

While the Stunted Redneck and the Xenophobic Aspirational may at first seem very different, further investigation reveals that they may have evolved different plumage and mating calls, they are more closely related than scientists previously thought.

The once-rare Abbott was previously only seen in the more classy areas of the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, the Abbott has now spread right across the country and it is not unusual to see the Abbott pop up anywhere that requires a hard hat and hi-viz vest.

The Abbott can usually be found surrounded by a contingent of media who dutiful record and disseminate its every guttural utterance, and much like the domesticated dog, has learned to perform tricks for a pat on the head from the media.

The Abbott was once hunted almost to extinction, however, in 2009 the Liberal Party took a vote on whether to save this endangered species, and by one Slipper vote decided ‘yes’. The Abbott is now a protected species, and is well defended by the media and business right across Australia.

The Abbott is an alpha-male, and achieves top position in the pride by destroying all other males around him, except the males who enjoy their subordinate role and won’t challenge. The Abbott then gathers about him a pride of females that have been known to sacrifice their careers, dignity, privacy in the maintenance of the illusion that the Abbott will one day dominate the territory.

The Abbott has a bizarre campaigning ritual that it only uses to attract the attention of the females. It has a loud and annoying squawk, that sounds like “I am a feminist”, but like the Parrot, it is only mimicking what it hears around it, without understand what the words means.

For the male voters, the campaigning ritual is very different. To attract the attention of the males, the Abbott has been known to change plumage, from red Speedos, to hi-viz orange vest and hard-hat, to bright yellow fire fighting uniforms. This serves his need to reassure himself that he is macho, macho, man. He wants to be a macho man.

If you do happen to see The Abbott in your local area, stand very, very still. It may not see you and walk on by. If you are holding a baby or pushing a toddler in a pram, be afraid.

The Abbott has expressed a long-held desire to move into the territory of the Redheaded Power Fox, also known as “The Lodge” but all challenges and displays of masculinity have so far failed.

The Stunted Redneck has one unique evolutionary trick of survival: It has convinced the Xenophobic Aspirational that to ensure the continued survival of the Xenophobic Aspirational they must first raise the Stunted Redneck to alpha male, and defend his career as if their lives depended on it.

What the Xenophobic Aspirational fail to realise, the biggest threat to their continued existence is the Stunted Redneck.

This has led some scientists to conclude that the Stunted Redneck is a parasitic species, who lives off the hard-work and taxpayer dollars of the working classes, without contributing anything to the benefit of Australian society.

The Stunted Redneck would destroy the entire eco-system if given the chance.

The Abbott has been warned to stay out of National Parks in NSW, as Barry O’Farrell has introduced hunting there.

The following video is an identification guide, to keep up with many plumage changes of the Abbott.

This is a work of satire, any resemblance to persons living, dead or fictional is purely a coincidence.
By Penny Carter

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2 Comments to “Politicians In The Wild – The Abbott”

  1. This is brilliant mate on of the best post I have seen a many many months I wonder if IA would like to re-post it there too?
    Well complied Penny & so funny

  2. Good satire, thanks TL.

    I think this is one species that would cause even the nature-loving Mr Attenborough to recoil from in distaste. It certainly does other decent people.

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