Across this wide-brown land we call home, nuclear families gather around the wireless radio, relaxed and comfortable. With a piping-hot plate of hasenpfeffer balanced precariously on their laps, and glass of chardonnay on the nested tables by their left side, they prepare for Tony Abbott’s budget reply.
Despite the newest member of the family being sick, running a fever and in distress, no one was allowed to get up to go tend to her. Everybody has to sit through this radio address to the nation.
It was a clear-as-crystal night for a broadcast. Nothing in the skies, despite what some thought, we were not being invaded. A beautiful evening for a speech. What could go wrong?
Nuclear families of Australia:
iVillage is Mamamia’s sister website
Tony Abbott is announcing what he would if he ever got the keys to the Lodge, sounds like he would be running a forthright government.
Border protection? Let’s not go overboard.
Good idea. Wunderbar, let’s run it up the Howard-funded flagpole and see who salutes, hey! I’ll do that.
No, Joey, you can’t have more pork, we had cut it all to the bone, and you have already had more than your fair share, go sit on the naughty step
*yap, yap, yap*
Aw, how cute, Pyney the brown-nosed poodle is begging for scraps from little Julie’s plate, who is forced to share, as Julie says frequently, she can’t have it all, and Julie doesn’t like sharing
Baby Anthony has just spat his dummy, again
Baby Anthony needs his nappy changed, Shit Happens
After Dear Leader waffled on further-
– it’s time for dessert, a strudel made from a mix of cored-and-non-cored apples. After all, a little bit of sugar makes the medicine go down.
“Please, sir, I want some more?”
More?! You can’t handle some more, what do you think this is Joey? a magic pudding
The broadcast is interrupted by ads for a used-car lot.
Correction: not a used-car salesman, just more Tony Abbott.
*crackle, crackle* as the wireless radio breaks into static
Master Malcolm rolls his eyes, he knew the family should have invested in broadband, not this ‘Back To The Future’ 1950s technology.
*bang! bang! boche!*
A couple of thumps on the side of the wireless radio doesn’t stop the static. Apparently hitting never makes anything better.
Correction: not static, more Tony Abbott
As the broadcast draws its long-winded way to a merciful conclusion, a latte would make a perfect end to the evening’s indoctr- er, entertainment.
And everybody gets a unicorn that cries tears of diamonds, apparently
The “Be Alert Not Alarmed” fridge magnets slid to the floor, baby Anthony spat out his dummy, Joey kept asking for more pork, Malcolm wandered away muttering something about “fibre”, must be all the non-cored apples, Pyney the Poodle leapt into Julie’s lap, spilling hasenpfeffer all over the floor.
What a disaster.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, gute NachtFollow @turnleft2013